In Moneyball, Billy Beane quit listening to the old scouts picking players on gut feeling, trusted the spreadsheet instead, and the A's ran off 20 straight wins. Lioness Insights did exactly that for the female orgasm. Lioness Insights is a new AI feature in the Lioness app that goes back through your sessions and tells you what's actually working and how your orgasms could improve. When I read that, I knew this could be absolutely life changing for our goonettes here at DYG.
The Lioness vibrator reads pelvic floor movement with built-in sensors, and Insights is free for anyone who already owns one. It unlocks after 5 sessions, then compares each session's length, orgasm length and orgasm strength against your own baseline, with strength measured in gram-force (gF), a unit I'd normally expect on a torque wrench and not something in a nightstand. You rate sessions and add tags for mood or setting, and over time it shows which tags keep turning up in your best ones. The orgasm detection underneath was validated in a 2022 study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine.
The tip cards are absolutely brilliant. In Lioness's own example, a card called "Chase the 5-star rhythm" noticed the best-rated session was a slow build of almost 19 minutes on a Sunday night, and told her to carve out 20 quiet minutes on a weekend evening and stop rushing. Another card looked at a quick 3-minute session that hit 68.9 gF and called it "just efficient." Which is opposite of how I would label my 3 minute sessions, but hey, different anatomy. If I blow that quickly, it means I need to watch that same scene at least 5 more times to check for consistency or outlier factors. It's all about the data here at DYG.
Speaking of data, let's talk about ours. DYG runs our analytics off of one state of the art proprietary Nut button, and after you press it the optional survey asks how long you gooned and rate the session 1 to 5 based on how great the sploosh was. Lioness hands out stars, we hand out sploosh ratings, and we're both in the business of grading the finish, theirs just comes with sensors. Which is pretty cool if you ask me. So I pitched a merger.
When I brought it up with the rest of our staff, everyone laughed, and not because the fit was bad. DYG just hasn't made a penny yet, so the obvious question was how the fuck were we supposed to acquire somebody else's tech.
But look, I spoke to a financial advisor. Ok, maybe a fictional character that goes by the name of Russ Hanneman from the show Silicon Valley. But if there's one thing I learned in business, it's this quote from season 2, episode 3, when Pied Piper floats a subscription-revenue model and Russ nearly has a stroke: "If you show revenue, people will ask 'How much?' And it will never be enough... But if you have no revenue, you can say you're pre-revenue. You're a potential Pure Play. It's not about how much you earn, it's about what you're worth. And who's worth the most? Companies that lose money." By that logic, DYG could be the next Amazon. We started as a Nut button company and we become a massive conglomerate. We're not broke, we're just we're pre-revenue and Lioness Insights is our Pure Play.
The Offer
So Lioness, here's my term sheet. Full acquisition for 1 million dollars. Inserts Dr. Evil GIF. Lioness Insights becomes a wholly owned division of DYG Analytics, with a 1:1 equity swap (math checks out), Lioness Insights will additionally gain (1) seat on the DYG Board, with 20% of DYG's revenue, forever.
Data Integration & Key Personnel
- Lioness gram-force readings get merged into DYG global stats. The homepage will finally show a number other than "presses."
- Privacy stays exactly how Lioness already does it: no selling data, anonymized AI. Mostly because we couldn't sell it anyway. No one's buying.
- Lioness's data team keeps their jobs and each get their own Nut button for their desk, if and when we ever make them.
Closing Conditions
- DYG achieves revenue.
- Lioness reads this and doesn't block us.
- Pam signs off. Pam has not signed off.
Signed,
Throb Gronkowski, Chief Acquisitions Gooner, Did You Goon
For the guys thinking about her and not my term sheet, the Lioness is $209 on Lioness's site and Insights costs nothing on top. If you already went through our sex toy advent calendars 2026 guide, this is the step up from whatever's behind day 9, and if she liked Lily Allen's Lovehoney edit this is the one that sends back a report card. And for the fellas, Beisar Pixel might not have analytics, but you'll give it a 5 star rating every time.
Lioness also says it never sells your data, its own AI only sees sessions in anonymized form, and third-party AI providers can't store or train on it. That matters more than the charts. The last AI story on DYG was Lily Phillips' AI twin, where the whole pitch is chatting with software, and DYG already keeps your streak in your own browser, so on privacy the two of us line up before the lawyers even show up.
The offer stands. Russ says broke is the strongest place to negotiate from, so I'm not walking it back, and I'll keep pressing the Nut button and checking for an answer from Lioness more often than either of us should admit.